Scattered

This morning I woke up to the normal sound of my annoying alarm, began my normal boring routine of checking my email, facebook, and blog to find that my day wasn’t going to be so normal. If you don’t already know, my father (whom I haven’t seen in a good 7 years) lives in China with his new wife Marie and their beautiful 3 year old girl Ellie, both whom I have yet to see. I won’t complain about how he left and all because honestly I think I turned out better than if he had stayed. Let’s just say that my “dad” is more of a sperm donor than a dad…harsh I know - I’m working on getting rid of my hatred towards that part of my life and getting better. Anyway, I try to keep in touch with them as much as possible but most of my emails are left with no reply. My dad has been living in Asia for quite sometime now and hasn’t made a trip back to the states since he moved, until now.

While reading one of his emails a few months ago I found out that my dad is adopted. WOW that’s something I didn’t see coming! So, my grandma is my real grandma and my grandpa/aunt/uncles/cousins are not…heavy stuff! My main reaction was sympathy, I mean the guy has been living his whole life in a lie and I honestly felt sorry for him. Again, wow something I didn’t see coming!

I haven’t talked to him in about two months and the last time we talked on the phone he couldn’t stop saying how much he wanted to talk to me and get a good relationship going and all this crazy talk about me coming over to China to see him and his new wife and baby…I will admit at first I was kind of sketchy about it but then I thought, “Kelly, this is an opportunity to have a real relationship with you dad and see your (second) step-sister and (second) step-mom.” So I started looking for a phone company that would give me a good deal on long-distance phone calls so that we could talk on a regular basis and I even started planning to visit...and then this morning it hit me.

Pictures of the family reunion posted on facebook by his “new” niece Savannah…what a gorgeous family, I didn’t know how to feel. He had come over to the U.S. to see his new family. Jealousy felt wrong, happiness came but only for a little while, and anger (that he never came to see us) was well, I just don’t have it in me to hate him anymore. I have hated him for so long for leaving. I’m just tired of all the hatred and anger that I have built up toward him. I think it is great that he has found his family on his real dad’s side and I also think that it is great that Ellie will grow up knowing them because she needs to have family in her life. I don’t know what to think or feel. I guess the best way to describe it is like a pane of glass that has fallen from a high building, breaking on the street below and the pieces scattering away from each other…